1. When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
Doctor: “Nine.” 3.
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” – We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals. 4.
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. – Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” – The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 5.
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?” – Mr. Jeffries: “Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.”6.
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: “Please granny, don’t bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.”.
The granny answers: “You know, I don’t have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them.”7.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”8.
I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore. 9.
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.10.
An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”11.
“Can you please hold my hand?”A mother asks her son: “Anton, do you think I’m a bad mom?” – Son: “My name is Paul.”12.
Doctor: You’re obese. – Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion. – Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.
Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross? – The other shakes his head: “No way, look at what happened to the zebra.”14.
Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?” – Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”
“Mom, where do tampons go?”
“Where the babies come from, darling.”
“In the stork?”
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. “Oh no, I look like a pig!”
The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”
Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair? – Wife: Michael, I’m over here!